[sounds of Hijikata crashing around in a panic, knocking things over, etc.]

EEEEEEUUUUGH! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU BASTARDS!!

[there's the crackling of flames in the background, an impressive streak of obscenities, albeit ragged sounding from inhaling so much smoke, and then a nasty fit of coughing]

Shit.

Listen up. Next kid who shows up for no reason in particular, just hoping to skip class, gets my boot up their ass. This is not a truant office. Got it? The rest of you with real problems are welcome to keep them to themselves, damnit stop by.

Hn. Could be worse, I suppose. It could be bunnies.

[What's this? Hijikata on his hand and knees somewhere in the fields? Don't worry. He hasn't gone native. Not completely anyway. But there is a basket of 'what should be' greens nearby that he shoves the occasional vegetable or fistful of pink grass into ever so often, muttering to himself all the while.]

Fucking owls...

[Like he was going to start grazing and eat the grass directly from the ground,]

Have my dignity...

[and the lack of a flock to tend to was making him extremely neurotic. More so than usual.]

.....

[notices the laptop]

Shit!

[shuts it hurriedly with a scowl that would cause lesser men to wet themselves]

[Servant!Hijikata has apparently lost none of his capacity to direct and give orders this week as he can be seen berating a few of the others on staff and brandishing... a broom]

You there! What are you doing loafing around? There's work to be done and you're napping in the scullery! Seppuku's too good for you.

[suddenly notices the blinking light on the laptop and frowns]

Tch.

[The feed ends.]

So, you've all gone mad again this week, have you? For fuck's sake. It's easier on the eyes, but what happened to all the color? To Hell with this. I'm going for a walk.

[Voice is muffled, much like it might be if someone were hiding under the covers until the week's curse was out...]

... Is it over yet?

[Some cursing, the sounds of someone struggling through the brush, and Hijikata, looking tired, and somewhat the worse for wear (there are twigs in his hair), eventually stumbles out of the forest... and unto the sparkling sight of 1950s Siebenville.]

. . . . .

. . . . .

WHERE THE HELL DID THIS TOWN COME FROM?!

[Hijikata sounds like he might very well be sick, or shank a bitch. Possibly both.]

There is something very wrong with you people. What in fresh Hell is this!?

. . . . .

. . . . .

This is so much bullshit.

[There's a figure amongst the rooftops, shillouetted against the setting sun of Sieben. Upon closer inspection it's definitely Hijikata, though he's wearing casual yukata and sunglasses. Seemingly out of nowhere he hefts an enormous bazooka, resembling a bottle of mayonnaise, onto one shoulder...]

I've had just about enough of all the amatuers and copycats in this city. There's only room enough for one 13 in this town.

[...and takes aim]

And that's me, you bastards.

[rustling blankets, cursing, and a long drawn out groan of pain] ...fucking owls.

[The camera turns on to a considerably disheveled looking Hijikata, somewhere in the forest, shouting and swearing with the creativity that only comes with extreme drunkeness at a tree... full of afros.]

...Don't fuck with me! What IS that thing?! It's getting on my nerves, goddamnit! [drunken waving of fists] Take it off!!

[ooc: Aw, is homesick. Misses his randomly afro wearing stompable pet spy. Because Gintama has the best cases of mistaken identity ever.]

Just for the record. This past week. Never. Happened.

Oi, members of the Anime Club, sorry to ask but... A rare limited edition bishoujo figurine goes on sale tomorrow, but they won't sell more than one per person.

As a fan, I'm thinking I'll need one for preservation, one for viewing, and... one more for practical purpose, so I'm hoping to get three. So, I'm commissioning you, my comrades. Together let's take the train to Akihabara tomorrow.

[ooc: Loser otaku Hijikata is go. And yes, yes I pretty much did steal most of the above dialogue from the show itself. It was just to good not to.]

That asshole. Keeping me at arm's length the entire time, and using the damn wolf to do it. I should have suspected something. When he wakes up, I'm going to kill him.

[Sounds of someone trudging through undergrowth and leaves. When Hijikata speaks, his voice is cold and businesslike.]

If anyone has any information on the whereabouts of one, Okita Sougo, please bring it to my attention immediately. As the vice-commander of my own Shinsengumi, he has me to answer for for what he's done.

[Private to Sougo | Unhackable]

Goddamnit, Sougo! What the fuck were you thinking?! Make all the attempts on my own life that you want but when you actually stoop to attacking innocents... Are you a Shinsengumi captain or a terrorist?!

I know you're out there. The only honorable way out is seppuku now. You can't hide from me forever.

The dopplegangers with my name are after me to be more cheerful. And I think the bastards are plotting to steal my cigarettes.

It's like being ganged up on by myself. And it's fucking embarrassing.